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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
stripperjingles' InsaneJournal:
| Monday, December 1st, 2008 | |
| 1:00 pm | everything is going to be fine martin is moving in like a week hes leaving me a key though so i can help take care of the dogs and stuff. its going to be really weird, and sad too. i hope he gets his life straightened out. im just going to be so bored, and not know what to do. ill be lonely. Sigh. i have to deal with that. im so bored right now. i have to work tonight. i hope orlando calls me. i miss him so much. i just wish i lived there with him, everything would be so perfect. it would be so warm too, not freezing cold and snow. but im here for a reason, i guess. im here for now. Orlando makes me feel so happy, i love him so much. i wish i could have him for christmas lol today was boring, i stayed at school for lunch to do math and i have a detention for being late. :( |
| Friday, November 28th, 2008 | |
| 1:44 pm | poems, some old some new i am here, i wonder why im just trying to live just tryin to get by got nothin to give, dont know where my head is. •☺☻♥♦♣♠• cant beleive you let me down pushed me so hard, under the water i drown you seem so far away from me and i tried, and i reached for you You saved me and then you played me left me with nothing but Hows? and whys? I beleived in all your fuckin lies I let you lead me on while I was lead to someplace new only now i see it was for me i didnt do it for you just like you didnt do shit for me too tired or busy you cant even be a friend must be tough to live so grand. •☺☻♥♦♣♠• I feel so dirty and unclean dont know why, why do i feel this way? it hurts to smile, it hurts to talk im so fucked i dont think i can walk i know im different i didnt mean to change if it wasnt so hard i swear i'd rearrange my brain so i can be happy but do i even want that?? im hungry for something though, and it sure isnt food im starving for love that is missing from me, from you and even when i try to love i try to give i try to laugh and live i try so fucking hard and it all turns to shit because at the end of the day i still feel the same full of hate hate for myself hate f or my friends my family my lover hate for all the games that life plays hate for the hail im stuck in the same place i call home, the place i call school, hate all and all hates me. •☺☻♥♦♣♠• |
| Thursday, November 27th, 2008 | |
| 1:53 pm | i shouldnta told ya that,, so right now im doin my homework fucking parenting... mrs. simo took my ipod today because kelvin was using it so i think he thinks im mad at him but when she took it she made a big deal out of it and i felt like crying, and, well, did. so i guess she felt bad and gave it back. so then kelvin saw me and i looked like i was crying and shit, so he either thinks im scary, or mad. then we had this assembly, and i didnt get any awards lol. and i went to martins for lunch. i work tonight and thats about all im up to. orlando called me last night and i was at martins so martin got really angry and called me pathetic and punched the wall. but im so happy orlando called me!.. i didnt think he was going to and he did :D he said he cant stop thinking about me, that he misses me, and he loves me. and i feel the same way. so i think me and him are pretty much feeling the same. which is really great. im just trying to be fine and live here while i still do. i hate it though because i can like, barely hear him on the phone.. maybe because its so far?.. iuno goergia keeps looking at me, too. god. im so done with all this bull. moving on...... |
| Wednesday, November 26th, 2008 | |
| 2:36 pm | dont have a cow so, about my trip.... i will start from the begining. when we first got into mentego bay Jamaica it was warm, and i really liked it. we had to wait at the airport for a bit... then we drove to our resort which took 2 hours. at first i didnt really know what to do, so i went to the beach and listened to my ipod and sat on the dock. i saw a shooting star and i wished for a good time here. i got my hair braided and it looked cool, but it really hurt at first. i got some weed, well, too much actually, and i would hurry and roll a quick doob, it was so stinky and i ate the seeds. lets hope a weed plant grows inside of me. i also got a trim before i got my hair braided, which i still havent really got to see, because half my hair is still braided. then my sisters wedding, it was half good and half bad. the wedding was great, they got married on the beach with no shoes and we took lots of pictures and drank champagne. we went out for supper and my uncle started not feeling good, at all. it seemed like a really bad migraine, but later discovered to be a brain hemorrhage. so we all left and went back to the resort, i had a bad headache so i got stoned by the beach and it was really cool. i barried what was left of my doob in a big leaf for later use.  a couple days after i met Orlando. and i think im inlove with Orlando. he is supposed to call me today, so i am waiting for that. Orlando. He worked at the pool and was a life gaurd. i saw him save a little girl and it just made me, just, love him. even more. one of the first things he said to me was that i was a complete woman. he was so sweet, but not in my face. i sat with him for the whole day just talking. sometimes i had trouble understanding him, and i think he thought that was cute. he liked how i got red marks on my knees from my elbows. he liked my clear skin. he gave me a necklace and said all he wanted in return was my friendship. we went swimming one night and he wanted to kiss me. and we did. the next night we made love. and boy, i dont think ill have sex that good again in a long time. after he was done he reached around and said i think im inlove. and we kissed for a long time. i havent been able to stop thinking about him. i just want to talk to him. i wish i was still with him. the day i was leaving he came in early to say good bye to me. i gave him a necklace and a kiss. i asked him if he thought we should be together and he said yes. hes my man and im his woman. i said it might sound crazy, and it might. he really swept me off my feet. he took a picture of us. and i left. i saw him after that and he held my hand again. I miss Orlando Patterson. call soon, babe. i also met an older man, the first person i really met, Donald. he said i was very beautiful. and when i disagreed he asked "Dont u ever look in the mirror?" i also got stung by a bee. and orlando fixed me up :D now im home. shits the same. i mean, exact same. i havent even seen martin yet, and im proud of myself for that. i saw christine thats about it. school was the same. Kelvin is being sort of a loser. But i dont even need him. lol that girl is still trying to figght with me. i boughht this new book, The power of Now. i hope for the best, everyday. |
| Tuesday, November 25th, 2008 | |
| 8:16 pm | I think... I'm InLove |
| Friday, November 14th, 2008 | |
| 3:55 pm | we gonna make biscuits? so operation happy is going, well?... lol anyways, so today i went to christines at lunch and i got really stoned then her mom came and im so happy i put everything away lol then she was leaving and i was like Have a good day!... lol i told kelvin that ill miss him when im gone, he said "I know" i know?? LOL... whatever happened to Ill miss you too hes silly he gave me a cool necklace and im gonna wear it in jamaica so i packed all my stuff, im so excited, i really cant wait. im going to miss kelvin though, for real, i wish i could see him again before i leave. im hanging out with martin tonight and tomorrow night i dont understand why he MUST take up all my time jee. and he STILL wont beleive i love him. god, ina way it still feels like were going out and never broke up at all, and it makes me feel so sick and annoyed... im so excited for my trip.. ill take so many pics and show you guys i hope i have fun :)  |
| Thursday, November 13th, 2008 | |
| 8:42 pm | my army HOLY SHIT im going to jamiaca in 2 days!!!! |
| Monday, November 10th, 2008 | |
| 12:57 pm | i wish i could make you happy i honestly feel like going back to martin and laying down everyday all day. it seems so much easier than this, but i have so much inside me that i need to deal with i always put myself down, i have no sense of self what so ever... i need this.... here's a poem i wrote in math i wonder as i grow why time must make us old I beleived it was so right to be a rock, and not to roll oh, how hardended i've become but so weak in the soul, do i even have one? oh, how trapped and stuck i've let myself become so many thoughts, comming from just one oh, how hard i am, to another i may be so much inside of me that others do not see only one thing left to say one question to sum up my days am i crazay? am i crazay? eh? Planted myself so firm on the ground of life that moves ever so quick impossible to trip, to become hurt by life's kicks oh, how wrong it all was of me why didnt someone say Life isnt supposed to be easy, lets just chill today so much tangled up inside me being what ive so much refused to be seems so hard to get my thoughts straight why do i seem so far away? and so impossible to reach? can not even recognize myself staring back at me it makes me want to cry, cry all fuckin' day oh, how much clearer i wish to see so much better i wish to be |
| Saturday, November 1st, 2008 | |
| 12:06 pm | i feel so lost me and kelvin have been talking alot on the phone lately i jsut like the stuff we talk about, we talk for so long too, i dont know how we dont run out of things to say LOL... so i havent told martin, and im not going to. i feel so lost.... i dont know what to do i just hate myself because ive done this so many times i found someone else and lost interest in martin someone funny and cool and doesnt want to control me someone who listens and compliments me and tries and asks questions, and answers them truthfully, the funny thing is he always thinks im going to get angry with him, u know, for like not calling or something and im like, its no biggie and hes like Thats so cool!... lol... i dont know things like that just make me smile he says martins name funny, too... lol but back to the point, i just hate how i find these people and suddenly martins is, boring... or just not as good, or something... i know theres trouble for me and martin weve been dating for 2 years and its just not a good relationship. i know my feelings are different, but he says he wants to marry me and stuff i just dont know how to tell him... and i get so angry with him cuz he talks to other girls and i just dont feel special at all, he talks to them so nicely and me im just, nothing he can treat me however becasue ill always be there no matter what i feel trapped inside myself because of him. i have to watch my every word, and move were just too jealous... and i dont want that. its almost like i do it just because he does it so badly. i dont know what's going to happen, but i know there's something. i thought i loved martin and wanted to be with him forever the fact is shits happened, alot of shit, time has changed the both of us, and i was 14. he was my first, thats all, and i will always have something in me that doesnt want to let go, but do i need him?........ no i dont expect for fall inlove with kelvin, but i am fond of him i just hate how everyone has a problem with it, why cant two ppl who liek eachother be friends, at LEAST? i know martin isnt good for me, and i wont say im good for him either. its just a never fucking ending story, it seems. i just wish i could see the future, you know?? that would help. |
| Thursday, October 30th, 2008 | |
| 1:04 pm | its funny, cuz, just as i thought things couldnt get worst, things could only get better, they didnt. my thoughts are all jammed up but i move along. |
| Tuesday, October 28th, 2008 | |
| 12:15 pm | can't read my poker face so today i got into a little scrap at school with that girl i was walking with my buddy and she hit me from the back and i turned around and i was like What the fuck! and she grabbed my hair and i like went nuts i grabbed her hair and ripped it as hard as i could and i could feel it comming out and i got her on the floor, i wouldve punched her and shit but there was no room for punching so i got her on the ground and i started screeaming in her ear and smashing her head on the floor then somebody pulled me offi had gum stuck in my hair, lol. it was kinda cool tho, barely a fight but im happy i won, dumb bitch. i saw her afterwards and i was like Fuck u pussy bitch had to get me from behind u fucking pussy u got gum in my hair u skinny ugly bitch like i said, i kinda lost it.... if i wouldnt have been pulled off i wouldve killed her, i wanted to. i didnt mean to, there was only one word in my head Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill. well, first it was shock then anger, like what u do to me ill do it too but worst, then get on her, then scream, and then kill. but then i just floated away and it was over, sort of. kelvin is so cool, im not just gonna stop talking to him cuz some jealous bitches like to spread and beleive rumours. |
| Saturday, October 25th, 2008 | |
| 10:01 pm | mama? so long story short that crazy girl threatened me i heard kelvin is apparently being kicked out because she wants him to move away from geraldton eeverybody is out to get me i dont care i hope kelvin doesnt stop going to school, or fuck, dump her, dude. martin got mad at me tonight for being at mimi w/ christine i got mad at him for internet stalking me so thats about it |
| Sunday, October 12th, 2008 | |
| 8:54 am | i love you well i havent been up to much but the same old, im sorry i havent been commenting or updating really, i dont really expect u guys to comment lol.... im just too lazy i dont know why so ive been working prety long hours lately, and i have the baby for parenting next weekend tonight i have to work at 4 till 10 and other than that im jsut gonna chill with martin christine and i are probably going out for halloween together... heres a pic :) ( You might think im foolish... ) |
| Sunday, October 5th, 2008 | |
| 7:10 am | pita sooo ew my hair feels gross but im just in such a lazy mood i dont even feel like washing it i hate that!.. anyways, yesterday i worked 7 to 1 and martin was supposed to be back from hunting but he wasnt so i got reallllly worried and i took a nap like 7 times and he still wasnt back but then i went home to eat and he came back .lol so we went to the fair together, it was fun. and we went on the sizzler first, and martin squished the crap out of me then we had to go for a walk cuz he felt sick LOL baby... then we saw aj and them, and then we saw kayla and Lloyd then we saw garret, (i hate garet, our personalities do NOT click) and he was all wasted and he looked at me and i dont even remember what he said, but i was like You Stink garret: You Stink! L: you fucking STINK.. i can smell u from here G: Ya, i can smell u from here too and it Aint booze L: oh ya, well is it shit?? cuz if you smell shit its probably just your upper lip from kissing so much ass that went on for awhile then i got my nachos and he was talking to martin and i was like u better not be talking badly about me and hes like no and martin was like he didnt know who u were anyways, so today i have to work at 2 so im just going to hang out with martin until then ill post pics later |
| Saturday, October 4th, 2008 | |
| 2:37 pm | martin isnt back yet :( |
| Saturday, September 27th, 2008 | |
| 3:03 pm | what paul newman is dead i have the flu |
| Friday, September 26th, 2008 | |
| 8:40 pm | Oh, what a relief it is! so i havent really been up to much, ive had a good break from work, too. but iwork 1-5 tomorrow. soo these couple days have been alright, me and martin got into a fight and started laughing half way through, it was weird... i got into a lil fight with christine because she didnt even call me on her bday me and martin have been getting stoned together, but only the day before yesterdya and tonight i made him supper today, too i hung out with christine today and took pictures and stuff, and then went to see how josh is he cheated on his gf, lol and he wanted advice, i guess. i saw leonard, again...... hmmmm... im so tired and i have this weird skin discolouration on my chest |
| Saturday, September 20th, 2008 | |
| 4:09 pm | amio tutti, io things have been kind of gay lately same shit at school, we made this pervert video in communiactions, it was fun lol i havent really got alot of hours this week... i would like to make money but i also would like a break too... so its 50 50 i was supposed to hang out with christine today but she blew me off, and that kind of pissed me off because i know she slept at mimis, and she just wants to spend the whole day with him when she has everyDAY to spend with him, i hate it cuz she bitches at me for spening too much time with martin and not my friends, but look what she goes and does, i hate to say it, but what a fucking bitch. i hate mimi. martins gone to his dads i cant wait to see him, i think hes going hunting or something with dj and dustin tomorrow lol so i just hung out with josh today  Current Mood:  calm |
| Thursday, September 11th, 2008 | |
| 1:41 pm | vibrating nipple clamps today it has been rain rain rain all day school sucked, martins still gone, i need to get my paper done, i need to stop being so dopey, i need to finish my book, i still have to pay my mom back, i still have to change my profile pic on facebook, i still gotta clean martins, still gotta clean the rat cage and change the litter box...... and its STI LL raining! oh ya, so about my last post, TELL ME YOUR OPINION ON THIS.... me and martin were play fighting and i started punching, and he was pucnhing me back, like, hard he even kicked me after i tried kicking him, and i told him to stop being so rough and he didnt now i have this BIG bruise on my arm, (and my legs, and my hips) that i gotta hide from my parents, because, well, u know.... anyways, martin told me i was being a baby, but do you guys think thats a little bit wrong? and it isnt right or nice to do that... or is it just me?... and maybe i am a baby iunno... josh gave me this big thing about how hes dominator or w.e and like, Fuck, iunno, he made me cry..... i feel like i have no more friends anymore, even the ones i thought i still had i just feel like its never enough ( Heres some pics, LOOK AT MY BRUISE :( ) |
| Wednesday, September 10th, 2008 | |
| 6:53 pm | |